In continuation with my Top 5 list of movies; this week, we'll be looking at movies which have won something at the Oscars, that shouldn't have really. Maybe a best cinematography here, a best screenplay there but not the main award for best Film or Best Actor/Actresses, when you know that the other team should've won it in the first place. Top 5 Award Winning Yet I- Think- It’s- Bollocks Movies.
5. Shakespeare in Love
What’s it about?
It’s a dramatic comedy/romance and William Shakespeare is portrayed as a young, struggling playwright, plagued by money shortages, problems with women, and a bloody writer’s block. If you’re into his work, you would recognize some of the characters and their lines are references to lines and characters in real Shakespeare plays -- implying that these people or events was to inspire the film's Shakespeare later in life.Oh yeah, he falls in love or something.
Why I Bloody Hate it?
It’s a really nice movie actually but it’s only in this list because it beat Saving Private Ryan for Best Picture in 1998. How dare they!
4. Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon
What’s it about?
It had Chow Yun-Fatt and Datuk Michelle Yeoh. Played your hopes up didn’t it?
So these two are lovers (fair enuff), but feel they cannot act on their feelings because of Michelle’s marital commitment years ago. She was betrothed to Chow’s "Brother in Oath" and although he is dead, the two's relationship is still constrained by commonplace propriety. Sucks huh?
Why I Bloody Hate it?
The shit hits the fan with Zhang Zhi Yi. She’s bollocks! What do they see in her? Isn’t this supposed to be a kick-ass Kung Fu movie? She’s a bloody spoilt brat in the whole movie. The best part of it was when she took a bungee jump, minus the cord and killed her annoying self at the end.
I had thought it was going to be another ‘Swordsmen’. Chow Yun Fat should be taking on the dreaded Iron Mountain Skull Clan or something, but no, they had him chase that little shite, Zhang all over Northern China, while she goes off throwing tantrums in bars. It's not any lower because they made Chow Yun Fat looked really cool in it... and killed off that annoying tart.
3. Sideways
What’s It About?
It’s about this recently divorced, unpublished writer, eighth-grade English teacher named Miles (Paul Giamatti), who takes his soon-to-be-married actor friend and old college roommate Jack (Thomas Haden Church) on a week-long road trip through Santa Ynez Valley wine country. Miles wants to drink wine, eat great food, play golf, and send Jack off in style. However, Jack is more interested in "sowing his wild oats" and having one last bonking session weekend (who doesn’t?).
Why I Bloody Hate it?
It has Sandra Oh in it. I really hate to admit it, but Zhang Zhi Yi is much prettier than this trollop. I mean she just ruined the whole bloody movie. It’s a movie about one guy’s efforts in trying to bonk a girl before this wedding. What’s not to love about it?
Unfortunately, the script made him bonk Sandra Oh.
Shite.
2. Titanic
What’s it About?
Leo DiCaprio (before he atoned himself in Man in the Iron Mask) and Kate Winslet play Jack Dawson and rose DeWitt Brubaker. One is a ruffian and the other is a member of high society. They fall in love, proving that money is not really everything and Leo can get the chicks by charm alone, aboard the 1912 maiden voyage of the RMS Titanic.
The Titanic hits and iceberg, sinks into the freezing Atlantic and most of the people die. Simple enough eh?
Why I Hate About It?
No straight guy, for the life of him, will have anything good to say about this movie. Oi Cameron!, we can do without the love story, thank you very much. The only good bit about the movie was when the ship began to sink and everyone started to die. That was bloody hilarious. Hilarious not because I’m an insensitive git, but hilarious because I’ve gone bonkers due to the excessive annoying love scenes, “If you jump, I jump” shite.
If the movie was not bad enough, you then had all this merchandising glut. Titanic t-shirts, Titanic shorts, Titanic slippers. WTF?! Back then, these were in-fashion.
1. Brokeback Mountain
It’s a bisexual-themed movie (not gay, because these two wankers had wives in the movie) of Ennis del Mar (Heath Ledger) and Jack Twist (Jake Gyllenhaal) two young men who meet and fall in love in 1963 on a shepherding on Brokeback Mountain (hence the name) in Wyoming.
Why I Hate About it?
It’s a movie about two men bonking each other. It’s a bloody faggot movie. The gay community was raving about how this movie was liberating and non-prejudicial and all that shite.
It's Sci-Fi actually, and not to burst your bubble or anything you gay farks, but how can anyone focus on anything other than Ann Hathaway and Michelle Williams. Ang Lee, you wanker, it's a bloody science fiction because any sane person would give their left nuts to have a go at Ann Hathaway and their right testicle for Michelle Williams.
Unless of course its Sandra Oh or Zhang Zhi Yi. But then again, you still could cover their faces with a paper bag and not go gay.
Disclaimer: Please let it be known that I have nothing against lesbians or women who are bi-sexuals. Such tendencies /acts should be supported, nurtutred and flourished. Heh. :p
