My Adventure of Trying to Get Myself on a Tabloid

Erra & Yusry are separated. Maya Karin is (or not) a lesbian. Mawi has this particularly strong Aura which attracts people to him (which explains the fact that most of the people in Malaysia can’t get enough of the lad).

Well, truth of the matter, I don’t really care. Fortunately for the publishers of the tabloids, most do. You can’t really miss these types of publications as your favorite neighborhood newsagent arranges them right next to the national dailies.

Only the hottest stories appear in them. No, not the conflicts in the Middle East, those are not important enough. However, Mawi’s (Werld!) committee resigning en masse, is.

With headlines such as, “Kerana mertua, santau ikan masin”, or “Roh Maya Karin di-lihat berkeliaran di set”, you can just taste the creative literary juices which is overflowing in the editorial team.

Alas, there is no need to fret fellow bloggers. One dost not need to be a famous singer, or an actor or even a politician to have your lovely mug pasted on the front page of your local tabloid. It is not rocket science in being the envy of all the minah-minah kilang Motorola, PJ.

Tips to get on one of these dailies are presented below;

#1. Defying scientific explanation

I had no idea that ikan masin can be a health risk or that the lovely Maya is dead as I last saw her yesterday on Channel V. There is no scientific basis for the headliner, nor is there any factual evidence deriving from a reliable source.

The more scientifically unexplainable it is the better. If you’re a fisherman than that would be an extra bonus. All these stuff seems to happen to them most of the time.

#2. Close Encounter of the ghostly kind.

Your first hand experience with the living dead need not be a traumatic one. If you’ve ever been chased by a hantu bungkus, flagged down by a langsuir at a T-junction, or even pleaded for a hantu buritt to catch one’s aunt at any point of time in your life, you can cash it in.

#3. Being a victim

The public love victims. It doesn’t matter whether they’re inclined to gloat or sympathize with you, you’ll be the talk of the town all month long.

#3.1 Witchcraft victim

You’ve kept your own business, treated everyone nicely and never said a bad thing about anyone.

It’s not your fault that you that the promotion you received was due to your hard work & dedication, in addition to the fact that the rest of your colleagues are lazy buggers. Nor can you be blamed because you keep winning all the major awards in the country or that all the songwriters’ want you to sing their song

Unfortunately, you’d still find yourself coughing up blood, bits of glass, a rusty nail or two and even the kitchen sink. Worse yet, (if you’re a guy) you wake up to find your member has de-attached itself from your groin region and re-attached to your forehead.

Indeed, this is worthy of a front page look.

#3.2 Rumour victim

You got on a reality TV contest and although you didn’t win the bloody thing, everyone is jealous of your new-found fame. Your fans arbors to fanaticism and you’ve rumored to be marrying an eligible bachelor/bachelorette/datuk/datin at one point or another. You can be rest assured that somebody is going to spread rumors about you, really horrible ones at that. The cheek of them!

Fight back by taking legal action but please do not forget to inform the media about it. It helps if you cry during the interview too.

So in summary, the only way for yours truly to get on one of those famous tabloids is either;

#1. Lose my way during one of my nocturnal excursions. Once rescued, report that I saw a path made silver and gold which lead me to a beautiful wooden house full of hot chicks.

#2. Turn myself into a tiger and hang-out in someone’s durian orchard.

#3. Ngorat baiiik Siti Nurhaliza Tarudin.

#4. Finding two-headed frogs or something along that line, and immediately call for a press conference on how the finding change your life for the better. and no, you would not sell it for any amount in the werld. - Contribution by KA

#5. Claim that I am an heir of someone rich/ Claim that I have found new rare species of plants that can make people become rich or younger or look like Siti. - Contribution by Chics

#6. Saman mawi for stealing your songs AND trying to steal Siti from you. - Contribution by Desparil

#7. Confess to the press that Erra and Yusry separated because Erra begged ME to marry her instead. She didn't need RM33,333.33 for the hantaran. "RM3,333 sudah memadai, kerana saya sangat cintakan dia" - kata Erra. Then give Yusry's number to Anis. - Contribution by Anisism.

#8. Ambik balik SPM. Score 20A1. When you're 61 (31 pun cukup tua kot). Mesti keluar front page. Contribution by Yoga Instructor

(although, we need to twist the story a bit by saying, "Ya, Saka saya menolong saya menjawab soalan2 tersebut - 9)

Note to Oneself: Do remember to have a photo of myself showing that miraculous thingy/event/contraption/ubat/whatever. The template is: Diri tegak ala Negaraku whilst pointing towards the thing. And must be captioned: Inilah tempat di mana berlakunya peristiwa itu. And oh, try not to giggle. Must look very siwius. - Contribution by Leen

If you have any further ideas, do share. I’ll even be nice enought post it up here. Now, if you must excuse me, I have to go dig a hole and teran my tail out.