My Adventure with the Action Heroes of Yesterday

During the late 80s, my grandfather, when he was in town, would never fail to take me to the local cinema and most of the time, the genre would always be of the action kind. Back then we didn’t have the age rating like we have now and those type of movies was easily accessible to this 10 year old.

Being the nostalgic sort, I notice that there is a stark difference between the action stars of today as compared to those who entertained us by smacking the shite out the bad guys, 20 or more so years ago.

For one thing, action stars of days yonder were your average, anarchic, anti-hero type with a brutal sense of justice. They were mean, tough-as-nails, and were walking, arse-kicking machines. You would not have wanted to run into any of them in a dark alley, nor a brightly one either, Especially if you're a Commie/Nazi/Cultist, drug-dealing scum who likes to molest white girls in said alleys.

Those were the days when women knew their roles well and the likes of Jennifer Garner would be where they should be; at home, in the kitchen with a bun in the oven.

In addition, the heroes of these great films are men, who, in real life could actually beat the living shite out of you. Say what you will about his acting and political career but back in 1983, Arnold Schwarzenegger could have ripped your head-off with one hand.

These days, more often than not, Hollywood tries to make you believe that the likes of Matt Damon, Ben Affleck and Colin Farrel are action stars.

I mean, come on. Matt Damon? Colin Farrel maybe, but Matt Damon?

In real life, I could take him with both my hands and feet tied together. He can bring his pussy-friend Ben Afleck to help him out, and the outcome would still be the same.

So as a tribute to the most underrated Action Heroes of the silver screen in the 70s and 80s, here is the Top 5 Most Underrated Badass-ess of the Action Genre.

#5 Charles Bronson

The late Mr. Bronson was a walking OSHA violation. He was the epitome of the ‘tough guy’ character and mostly starred either as a western gunfighter, boxer, vigilante, brutal police detective or a Mafia hit man.

However, he is most fondly remembered for his vengeful rampage on the Death Wish sequels. In the first installment, he played an architect (yes, architect!), whose wife was murdered, and his daughter raped. So being your average liberal tax-paying American citizen, Paul is then transformed into a walking, talking, trigger-happy killing machine, with a Smith & Wesson Pump Gun because of the tragedy.

If he had ever been offered the role of a divorced Neurosurgeon, who likes to have illicit affairs with his co-workers and interns, Mr. Bronson would have clubbed his agent to death.

It was the tough guy roles that he relished. This is justifiable for the fact that he worked in a coal mine when he was 10 years old. When he was 21, he joined the Air Force during WW2’s pacific theatre and served as a B-29 Superfortress’ tail-gunner.

And what did Ben Affleck do when he was 21? Pbfft!

He sadly died in 2003 from Pneumonia while suffering from Alzheimer’s disease at the ripe old age of 81.#

#4 Michael Dudikoff

He is not your familiar household name now as he only starred in a limited number of action movies in the 80s, namely Avenging Force and Platoon Leader but it is as the American Ninja that he will most be fondly remembered. .

In Standard 5, while my other classmates wanted to be Doctors and Lawyers, I stunned my teacher by stating that I wanted to be a Ninja when I grew up. My friends found it amusing; my teacher however, did not.

And it was all because of Michael Dudikoff and American Ninja. Come on, if given a choice between an underpaid and overworked government doctor, which would you choose?

Thought so.

Why? Because Ninjas are cool. Wearing black looks cool, running silently on rooftops look cool and garroting your enemies in the middle of the night is cool.

Driving around Prague or any other eastern bloc country in a beat-up Mini is NOT cool, nor running for your life from the police and any other federal government covert agency staff.

If it was Micheal Dudikoff, he would’nt need to run. He would have killed his pursuers, in their beds, with a roll-up newspaper and the tv remote.

#3 Jean- Claude Van Damme

His Belgian accent unmistakable, we give thanks that he's more animated than Steven Seagel. He was given the name of "The Muscles from Brussels", and this was not because of his affinity to seafood. His affinity, is in actual fact, was to kick-your-arse.

And Mr. Van Damme didn’t win the 1978 European Karate Middleweight title just for kicks (pun intended). That paved his way into Hollywood. He may have played the bad guy in Bloodsport but it was in 1989’s Kickboxer that he made his mark in the ass-kicking genre. And who can forgot the classic turkey; Street Fighter, where Mr. Van Damme played Colonel Guile with a foreign accent?

Say what you will about his movies and acting credentials but if you’d put Mr. Van Damme and let’s say...... .Patrick Dempsey in a ring together, the most probable outcome would be that McDreamy would then require a REAL neurosurgeon because Jean-Claude would have kicked McDreamy's brains out through his nose.

He admitted that he took ballet lessons to enhance his kicking style, but don't try to take the piss out of him for that. Why?He would crush your feeble skull, along with your Grey's Anatomy Season Two DVD collection, by using only his pecs.

Mind you, the initials for the deadly and embarassing ‘Venereal Disease’ are ‘VD’, the same as Jean’s surname initials. Coincidence? I think not.

#2 Clint Eastwood

It is a wonder that at 77 years of age, Mr. Eastwood is still producing and directing award winning movies and productions. Most of you would know him as the gritty boxing coach, Frankie Dunn in Million Dollar Baby, in which he won the Oscar’s Best Director award for.

But his role as the Man with No Name, in Sergei Leone’s spaghetti westerns defined him as what he is today. Yes, he was such a badass that he didn’t need a name. Most people wouldn't know this but he acted in a whole lot of westerns earlier in his career.

Then, in the 70s, as if gunning down outlaws in the old west wasn't enough, Mr. Eastwood, then armed himself with the world's most powerful handgun, and started wasting San Francisco's criminal element when he became the iconic ‘Dirty’ Harry Callahan in the Dirty Harry movies.

His famous monologue in Dirth Harry has been immortalized, and is now the standard arresting protocol, (apart from the Miranda rights), for police officers in San Francisco.

"I know what you're thinking. Did he fire six shots or only five? Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I've kinda lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya punk? "

Then they would proceed to blow Colin Farrel's head off.

#1 Chuck Norris.

George Dubya had it all wrong. There are no Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Dallas.

In 1969, 'Carlos Ray' Norris won the International Karate Tournament, and held it for the next 6 years. In 1997 when he was the first Westerner in the documented history of Tae Kwon Do to be given the rank of 8th Degree Black Belt Grand Master. In 2000, he was presented with the Golden Lifetime Achievement Award by the World Karate Union Hall of Fame.

That Badass enough for you, punk?

Through the years he has thrilled viewers with the Missing-in-Action and Delta Force sequels. And who can forget Walker, Texas Ranger series. The storyline would be the same; Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicking everything and everyone.

Wikipedia wrote this in its site;
In late 2005, Norris became the object of an internet phenomenon known as Chuck Norris Facts, which document fictional, often absurdly heroic feats and characteristics about Norris himself.

A few days later, the writer for that article was found dead, with his skull caved in. Post-mortem reported that he suffered severe hemotoma brought on by a roundhouse kick.

Never mess with the Chuck! The Chuck Norris facts are not fictional nor are they absurd. They are facts. None more so than the ones below.

10. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity... twice.

9. Chuck Norris does not get frost bite. Chuck Norris bites frost.

8. When Chuck Norris falls into water, he does not get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

7. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

6. Once, Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King. He got one.

5. Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its descendent's now have white hair and are called Polar Bears.

4. There is no such thing as global-warming. Chuck Norris was cold so he turned the sun up.

3. Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

2. At first you don't succeed.... the you sure as hell not Chuck Norris.

1. Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.

We can only try to comprehend the awesome-ness these individuals exclude. Now, we can only hope and dream that one day, Hollywood rid themselves of these wannabe action stars and find themselves a diamond in the rough, so that the glory of the action genre can be restored.