Wednesday, September 27, 2006

My Adventure in Blogging Incoherently

I'm currently suffering from nicotine and caffeine withdrawals. Food I can go without. Water is not a problem. It sucks to be a coffee drinker and smoker during Ramadhan. I'm guessing that the main symptoms of this particular problem is to blog incoherently; and post a fav movie's list. No, don't worry. It's not a meme and I'm not tagging anyone.... yet. Heh.

Top 5 Personal Favourite Yet Awesomely Bad Classic Movies

5. Commando

What’s it about? :

Colonel John Matrix (Arnie) has retired and is living with his 10 year old daughter (a very young Alyssa Milano) in a nice cabin in the middle of nowhere. Long story short, some South American kidnaps Alyssa and is holding her hostage. The rebels wants Arnie to assasinate the president of a their country so that big-boss rebel can take over the country. Why Arnie? Dude, do you really need to ask that question?

It’s obvious that the rebels have yet to see Terminator or Conan yet, else Arnie would be the last person on earth for them to piss off. It's just not healthy. So, being rebels and not being very bright, they managed to piss our hero off and it’s not long before Arnie gets angry and goes on a killing spree.

He kills his minder on the plane and then finds himself in a race against time i.e. He has to find out where the scumbags are holding Miss Milano, before the plane of his lands and rebels find out that he's flown the coop. With the aid of a stewardess he befriended/kidnaps (?!?), he raids a gunshop for suppliers and steals a plane to get to the rebel's hideout.

The movie's concept then takes on a consistent pattern.

Arnie killing everything that he sees.

Why I love it? :

It’s just brainless violence. This was Arnie at his best. Don’t try to figure out on the logic though, just accept the fact that the rebel's aim sucks big time, and Arnie is bullet-proof, and just sit back and enjoy as this walking gun store punishes the bad guys for laying their grubby hands on Alyssa Milano.

4. NICO: Above the Law

What’s it about? :
Before he became obese and started to make movies with rappers, he was the Man! This was his very fist movie and did he kick some serious arse! This is when the world was introduced to Aikido. Screw the roundhouse kicks, Steven showed us that it’s cooler to meet your opponents in close-range combat… and proceed to fracture their fibulas.

Steven plays Nico Toscani, a cop who used to work for the CIA (don’t they all) during the Vietnam War. He gets into some tough shite with the bad guys when he finds out that someone is smuggling C4 explosives, which is kinda worse than drugs.

Surprise! It’s his old pals from the CIA who’s been cashing in the drug trade and they have friends in all the right places. Suddenly, he finds himself being thrown-off the case and none of his cops pals want to help him.

No worries, being the bad-ass that he is, he tells everyone to go stuff it and proceeds to lay some Aikido smack down on the bad guys.

Interestingly enough, Sharon Stone (pre Basic Instinct) plays the "Man's" wife in this movie.

Why I loved it? :

It’s Steven’s first movie and we are introduced to a new style of martial arts. Practically ends Chuck Norri's carreer and his roundhouse kicks. Oh, and if your Aikido instructor informs it otherwise tell him to go stuff it!

Aikido was indeed created by Steven Seagal. Where did you think that Morehei Ueshiba learnde Aikido. He bloody watched this movie.

3. Waterworld

What’s it about:

The polar ice caps have melted, and the earth is covered by water. Well, serve them right for not taking care of the planet properly. Reduce, Recycle and Reuse!

So anyways, the surviving people live and travel on the seas, because dry land is now practically a myth. The people are living on man-made atolls and calling themselves Drifters. The bad guys are led by the ever menacing Dennis Hopper, who has adopted the Exxon Valdez * as his official residence.

Kevin Costner is the Mariner, a mutant freak (not to be confused with Freak & Geek) who has webbed hands and feet which makes him a bloody good swimmer. His ride? A very cool Trimoran. He minds his own business most of the time but due to some unforeseen events finds himself being the guardian of a little girl, who by chance, happened to have a map of dry land on her back tatooed on her back.

Now, Dennis wants the directions to dry land because let's face it, living on a rusty oil tanker sucks big time. So then it becomes a chase, whereby Kevin tries to protect the little girl and her hottie minder as well as trying to find dry land before Dennis gets his filthy hands on them.

Why I like it? :

I’m a sucker for post-apocalyptic themed movies, the idea of a post-devastated earth because mankind has screwed-up the planet and now the animals are in charge.

* 1989 Prince Willian Sound, Alaska. Ring any bell?

2. Dark Angel

What’s it about? :

Dolph Lundgren works vice in the city of Houston, ridding the city of drug dealers. His previous partner died during a drug bust and they’ve replaced him with a geeky, pencil-pushing FBI agent to investigate some mysterious deaths; normal non-junkies dying of massive heroin overdoses and bearing the same horrific puncture marks on the forehead.

The culprit is actually an alien drug dealer from outer space! WTF?! He goes round and pumps alien narcotics into the body of his victims and then extracts the by-product from their brain. WTF?! Apparently, that stuff is some good shite there. The alien bloke doesn’t say much though, only ‘I come in Peace’ a lot, before killing his victims. WTF?!

Oh, and he has a big freaking gun which, from the looks of it fires artillery shells while those tossers at the PD only provide our heroes with only a 9mm. No fret, as it turns out, alien drug dealer is being chased by an alien cop. When the former gets killed off, Dolph was able to get hold of the alien cop's cool gun. We're all even now? Good, let the smackdown begin.

Why I loved it? :

It’s a murder mystery in itself, and it’s original. You’ll be exclaiming” WTF?!” throughout the movie but it’s quite entertaining. The movie takes the concept of your usual Cop v Drug Dealers scenarios and SCI Fi-ed it. Furthermore, how on earth can you not love the dialogue?

Alien baddie: I come in peace
Dolph: …and you go in pieces (Ratatatatat!)

1. Universal Soldier

What’s it about? :

What happens when you take two bad-asses, namely Jean Claude Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren and have them duke it out?

An Awesomely Bad Classic Movie!

Jean Claude and Dolph are two soldiers serving in Vietnam. Dolph is a bit mental because he likes the killing a bit too much and starts a hobby by taking trophies off the bodies of dead Viet Cong, ears, nose, and such. Both are killed during a village raid when Jean Claude tries to prevent Dolph from massacring the whole population.

Listed as MIA, they are actually flash-frozen and shipped to a top-secret facility where a team of scientists turn the two, along with other select specimens, into super-soldiers known as "UniSols”; reanimating the dead bodies of its dead soldiers to create a more a powerful and unique form of weapon.

Obviously, someone has forgotten to remind the military the shit always hits the fan when you screw around with the natural order of things.
Well the shit does hit the fan when Jean Clause starts to have flashbacks and suddenly he remembers who he was and goes AWOL from his chums. Dolph also remembers that he was a complete psychopath in his previous life, takes over UniSols and chases after Jean Claude to finish what they started years before.

Why I loved it? :

It has Jean Claude Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren! What more can you ask for. The acting is shite of course but it's an action movie about zombie soldiers, what do you expect. It has Dolph and Jean Claude beating the crap out of each other. Ahhhh.. bliss. :p


anttyk said...

Full Metal Jacket pwns all these movies combined! Muahahahaha... :P

kepala_angin said...

u smoke!! you pollute my air.. help...

camna nih, kata love the environment.. hehehe..

9 said...

but FMJ is a real classic and not an 'awesomely bad' one.

"i'm gonna rip ur head off and shit down your neck."


ciggy smokes doesn't pollute the air lah. tobacco is made from leaves, and it is widely known that mother nature uses fire to promote growth.

so, i'm actually following the natural order of things. :p

teek said...

apanih pakcik? schwarzenegger, van damme and steven seagal?!

Okaaayy, takpe..i pardon you sbb u ada *cough* TT *cough* CD in between ur rock kapak collection.

9 said...

pakcik2 ni lah idola saya semasa saya membesar wei.

Freak & Geek said...

ur selections suxxx big time!!

pssstt.. posa tak ari nih??

Doreen said...

What kinda movies ARE those? Never seen 'em, not gonna see 'em. Heh. Go watch "The Devil Wears Prada" !

X-Eyed Jules said...

you are so easy to please .... like me

lilyliverbird said...

waterworld was soooooooo yawn-making. Dah lah tak de orang hemsem to ogle.

Rose said...


Selamat Berpuasa
Balik JB?

: )

9 said...

best wat? dolph kicks ass! :p

a chick movie? you're asking me to go see a chick movie? don't be funny...

9 said...

abg kevin tak hensem ke? :p

2nd raya nanti balik. selamat berpuasa 2 u too. :p

lita said...

saya calunkan pitch black (much better than the ridiculous chronicles of riddick)

9 said...

but pitch black is considered quite good and not 'awesomely bad'.

so, tak bleh masuk list. :p

9 said...

mat juling:
yes.. we are but simple creatures. women make us complicated.


spiller said...

i agree with u on Dark Angel. love it too :)