Thursday, December 22, 2005

My Adventure of Trying to Get Myself on a Tabloid

Erra & Yusry are separated. Maya Karin is (or not) a lesbian. Mawi has this particularly strong Aura which attracts people to him (which explains the fact that most of the people in Malaysia can’t get enough of the lad).

Well, truth of the matter, I don’t really care. Fortunately for the publishers of the tabloids, most do. You can’t really miss these types of publications as your favorite neighborhood newsagent arranges them right next to the national dailies.

Only the hottest stories appear in them. No, not the conflicts in the Middle East, those are not important enough. However, Mawi’s (Werld!) committee resigning en masse, is.

With headlines such as, “Kerana mertua, santau ikan masin”, or “Roh Maya Karin di-lihat berkeliaran di set”, you can just taste the creative literary juices which is overflowing in the editorial team.

Alas, there is no need to fret fellow bloggers. One dost not need to be a famous singer, or an actor or even a politician to have your lovely mug pasted on the front page of your local tabloid. It is not rocket science in being the envy of all the minah-minah kilang Motorola, PJ.

Tips to get on one of these dailies are presented below;

#1. Defying scientific explanation

I had no idea that ikan masin can be a health risk or that the lovely Maya is dead as I last saw her yesterday on Channel V. There is no scientific basis for the headliner, nor is there any factual evidence deriving from a reliable source.

The more scientifically unexplainable it is the better. If you’re a fisherman than that would be an extra bonus. All these stuff seems to happen to them most of the time.

#2. Close Encounter of the ghostly kind.

Your first hand experience with the living dead need not be a traumatic one. If you’ve ever been chased by a hantu bungkus, flagged down by a langsuir at a T-junction, or even pleaded for a hantu buritt to catch one’s aunt at any point of time in your life, you can cash it in.

#3. Being a victim

The public love victims. It doesn’t matter whether they’re inclined to gloat or sympathize with you, you’ll be the talk of the town all month long.

#3.1 Witchcraft victim

You’ve kept your own business, treated everyone nicely and never said a bad thing about anyone.

It’s not your fault that you that the promotion you received was due to your hard work & dedication, in addition to the fact that the rest of your colleagues are lazy buggers. Nor can you be blamed because you keep winning all the major awards in the country or that all the songwriters’ want you to sing their song

Unfortunately, you’d still find yourself coughing up blood, bits of glass, a rusty nail or two and even the kitchen sink. Worse yet, (if you’re a guy) you wake up to find your member has de-attached itself from your groin region and re-attached to your forehead.

Indeed, this is worthy of a front page look.

#3.2 Rumour victim

You got on a reality TV contest and although you didn’t win the bloody thing, everyone is jealous of your new-found fame. Your fans arbors to fanaticism and you’ve rumored to be marrying an eligible bachelor/bachelorette/datuk/datin at one point or another. You can be rest assured that somebody is going to spread rumors about you, really horrible ones at that. The cheek of them!

Fight back by taking legal action but please do not forget to inform the media about it. It helps if you cry during the interview too.

So in summary, the only way for yours truly to get on one of those famous tabloids is either;

#1. Lose my way during one of my nocturnal excursions. Once rescued, report that I saw a path made silver and gold which lead me to a beautiful wooden house full of hot chicks.

#2. Turn myself into a tiger and hang-out in someone’s durian orchard.

#3. Ngorat baiiik Siti Nurhaliza Tarudin.

#4. Finding two-headed frogs or something along that line, and immediately call for a press conference on how the finding change your life for the better. and no, you would not sell it for any amount in the werld. - Contribution by KA

#5. Claim that I am an heir of someone rich/ Claim that I have found new rare species of plants that can make people become rich or younger or look like Siti. - Contribution by Chics

#6. Saman mawi for stealing your songs AND trying to steal Siti from you. - Contribution by Desparil

#7. Confess to the press that Erra and Yusry separated because Erra begged ME to marry her instead. She didn't need RM33,333.33 for the hantaran. "RM3,333 sudah memadai, kerana saya sangat cintakan dia" - kata Erra. Then give Yusry's number to Anis. - Contribution by Anisism.

#8. Ambik balik SPM. Score 20A1. When you're 61 (31 pun cukup tua kot). Mesti keluar front page. Contribution by Yoga Instructor

(although, we need to twist the story a bit by saying, "Ya, Saka saya menolong saya menjawab soalan2 tersebut - 9)

Note to Oneself: Do remember to have a photo of myself showing that miraculous thingy/event/contraption/ubat/whatever. The template is: Diri tegak ala Negaraku whilst pointing towards the thing. And must be captioned: Inilah tempat di mana berlakunya peristiwa itu. And oh, try not to giggle. Must look very siwius. - Contribution by Leen

If you have any further ideas, do share. I’ll even be nice enought post it up here. Now, if you must excuse me, I have to go dig a hole and teran my tail out.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

My Adventure of Being in an Awkward Position II

So there I was at Sports Planet Ampang, like every Tuesday evening having a game with the usual suspects. After half an hour of trying to display my skills ala Ronaldinho, but failing miserably (as usual), I was panting & sweating profusely.

I bade one of the lads to sub me (we had 18 people playing last evening) and proceeded to the loo to run my face under the shower because it was a humid last night and not because of the whole pack of 20’s I finished in just one day.

As I was passing one of the courts I noticed that there was a bunch of girls playing. I noted that this lot was the same ones, who like us, played every Tuesday evening. I then noticed the goal keeper was wearing a pair of red Fila shoes and playing remarkably well (for a girl).

Now, the last time that I caught a glimpse of KA, ‘the wind whisperer of the blogging community’ was way before Ramadhan, playing at the same venue. Conforming to the requirements of being an Eejit, I immediately made the assumption that this was indeed KA, although she looked much heavier than the last time. I told myself it must be due to those debes the girls had been talking about.

With unnaturally imbued confidence, I shouted, “Steady KA, jangan kasi lepas”, whilst controlling my kehenseman.

The girl glanced behind her and gave me an incredulous look from head to toe and up again before returning her concentration to the game. She must’ve thought that I was one of those horny, perverted guys at futsal centres trying to get lucky.

The first thought that came to mind was, “Sampai hati KA sombong dengan aku,” before thinking of another possibility that it was not KA in the first place.

My suspicions proved correct as I found out today that at the exact moment of the ‘Steady KA, jangan kasi lepas’ incident, KA was actually on the LRT and on her way home whilst having her own embarrassing moment.

Malunya aku.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

My Adventure With The Opposite Sex I

Men don’t take hints that well. I don’t take hints that well. If you, (the women) want something from us, please do TELL. We’re not bloody mind-readers.

TELL us that you want the garbage taken out. TELL us that you want more of our attention. TELL us that you want to watch Desperate Housewives rather than the European Champions League preview.

And another thing, sulking should be prohibited. The government should make sulking illegal. Denda RM5,000 atau penjara 3 bulan, atau kedua-duanya sekali,  or something to that effect.

DO NOT drop hints and SULK afterwards when we don’t pick on it.

By god, we’ve used up all of our energy in by using all our initiative to pick you up in the first place.  

The least that you can do now is just TELL us what you want.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Liverpool's Adventure in Winning Yet Another Trophy (or not)

It is of no doubt that the English Championship is our main bread. The management knows this, the manager knows this, and the players know this. The Red Kop Army, without a shadow of a doubt, knows this.

Even before the tournament started, I viewed the World Club Championship as just another FIFA marketing ploy to rake in more money. I was of the opinion that our efforts should be focused on Benfica and Chelsea, and this little excursion to Japan was just another annoying hindrance.

However, the look on the captain’s face after the final whistle proved otherwise. I am ashamed to say that I had looked poorly on all the player's & management’s efforts in this particular tournament.

Poor lad. He didn’t think that it was just a trophy. He wanted to win it. To lift yet another cup on behalf of the team he loved.

Seeing him dejected and at loss, reminded me that Liverpool FC is all about winning trophies. Period. We do not take into account the materiality or the significance of winning something. We just try our best to win it. No questions asked.

No worries, Stevie. We still have the treble to look forward to. No mickey mouse versions this time.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

My Nocturnal Excursion in FRIM III

Yet one more night was spent navigating through leech-infested jungle in FRIM. The only difference this time round was that I was not accompanied by loud, restless, hyperactive children. Adorable as they are (and equally annoying), I was without my customary 6 – 12 year old age demographic for this particular evening stroll.

Nope, Last Saturday’s nocturnal excursion involved the staff of HSBC.

You see, HSBC has long supported wildlife conservation by donating a filthy amount of money over the years and MNS, WWF and other nature-based NGOS have greatly benefited through HSBC’s generosity. As such, it is a norm for these NGO’s to accommodate the staff of HSBC on any nature oriented activities. This is just to ensure that the financial institution continues to fork out large sums of money for our usage in the effort to save the world.

Last Saturday, the MNS-FRIM Nature Education Center had organized a series of activity, part of which involved a frogging session.

Therefore they had turned to the only (gullible) person at their disposal, who had sufficient with the knowledge, expertise and the good looks to boot, ME.

I quickly forgot my annoyance of missing Liverpool’s early kick-off with Wigan as I found out that the 20 – 30 year old demographic was easier to handle. Reasons of which are;

#1. They are obedient.
#2. They are quiet
#3. They have stamina
#4. They have longer legs.
#5. The girls are of legal & consensual age

Anyways, we started at 7pm with dinner, rendang et all. I gave a short briefing afterwards at the center, which mostly involved me relating my previous experiences in the wild, purposely exaggerated of course.

At 8pm, I dragged them up to the waterfall in the hope to see the Poisonous Rock frog as one of the participants wonted to inquire whether licking this particular species would induce disorientation. In other words, she wanted to know if one could get stoned out by putting the frog in the mouth. I was curious enough to let her try it.

Fortunately of her, Rana hosii was inconspicuous as the only wildlife we saw was 2 other species of frog and one annoyed lizard. Although one participant got soaked as she found out that she actually had two left feet on the slippery boulders of all places.

After half an hour of fooling around at base of the waterfall, (jumping around for some, standing rooted to the same spot for others) I called for a change of venue and proceeded to Denai Engkabang.

The leeches were more aggressive than usual. Humid conditions and muddy terrain is a bloody leech breeding ground. They had their orgy on our blood that night, which meant that the group had to stop every 10 steps to scream and pull of those suckers (pun intended) from whatever anatomy of the body they (the leeches, not me) latched upon.

At the stream, (which my fellow readers, who have been following my exploits on Nocturnal Excursions would know, that this is the end of the trail) I asked them look around for themselves and see if they can spot some species on their own…… and also to allow me a fag break.

As suspected, there were the shouts of excitement on the sighting of the prawns in the stream and the glow worms in the leaf litter. *sigh* They were completely oblivious to the herp life in front of their noses.

The Wolf snake I tried to catch was more elusive as ever, slithering away into the trees before I could get my grubby hands on it. I swore it gave the finger to me before disappearing into the dark.

We returned to our cars at around 11pm. The participants were staying overnight at the center, so after a quick wash and another round of rendang, I headed back to Bangi.

3 days after, I’m my the bites are bloody itchy. I’ve got 3 bite marks around the feet and I’m constantly scratching it like a complete loony.

Sesiapa nak tolong garu kan?