Thursday, December 22, 2005

My Adventure of Trying to Get Myself on a Tabloid

Erra & Yusry are separated. Maya Karin is (or not) a lesbian. Mawi has this particularly strong Aura which attracts people to him (which explains the fact that most of the people in Malaysia can’t get enough of the lad).

Well, truth of the matter, I don’t really care. Fortunately for the publishers of the tabloids, most do. You can’t really miss these types of publications as your favorite neighborhood newsagent arranges them right next to the national dailies.

Only the hottest stories appear in them. No, not the conflicts in the Middle East, those are not important enough. However, Mawi’s (Werld!) committee resigning en masse, is.

With headlines such as, “Kerana mertua, santau ikan masin”, or “Roh Maya Karin di-lihat berkeliaran di set”, you can just taste the creative literary juices which is overflowing in the editorial team.

Alas, there is no need to fret fellow bloggers. One dost not need to be a famous singer, or an actor or even a politician to have your lovely mug pasted on the front page of your local tabloid. It is not rocket science in being the envy of all the minah-minah kilang Motorola, PJ.

Tips to get on one of these dailies are presented below;

#1. Defying scientific explanation

I had no idea that ikan masin can be a health risk or that the lovely Maya is dead as I last saw her yesterday on Channel V. There is no scientific basis for the headliner, nor is there any factual evidence deriving from a reliable source.

The more scientifically unexplainable it is the better. If you’re a fisherman than that would be an extra bonus. All these stuff seems to happen to them most of the time.

#2. Close Encounter of the ghostly kind.

Your first hand experience with the living dead need not be a traumatic one. If you’ve ever been chased by a hantu bungkus, flagged down by a langsuir at a T-junction, or even pleaded for a hantu buritt to catch one’s aunt at any point of time in your life, you can cash it in.

#3. Being a victim

The public love victims. It doesn’t matter whether they’re inclined to gloat or sympathize with you, you’ll be the talk of the town all month long.

#3.1 Witchcraft victim

You’ve kept your own business, treated everyone nicely and never said a bad thing about anyone.

It’s not your fault that you that the promotion you received was due to your hard work & dedication, in addition to the fact that the rest of your colleagues are lazy buggers. Nor can you be blamed because you keep winning all the major awards in the country or that all the songwriters’ want you to sing their song

Unfortunately, you’d still find yourself coughing up blood, bits of glass, a rusty nail or two and even the kitchen sink. Worse yet, (if you’re a guy) you wake up to find your member has de-attached itself from your groin region and re-attached to your forehead.

Indeed, this is worthy of a front page look.

#3.2 Rumour victim

You got on a reality TV contest and although you didn’t win the bloody thing, everyone is jealous of your new-found fame. Your fans arbors to fanaticism and you’ve rumored to be marrying an eligible bachelor/bachelorette/datuk/datin at one point or another. You can be rest assured that somebody is going to spread rumors about you, really horrible ones at that. The cheek of them!

Fight back by taking legal action but please do not forget to inform the media about it. It helps if you cry during the interview too.

So in summary, the only way for yours truly to get on one of those famous tabloids is either;

#1. Lose my way during one of my nocturnal excursions. Once rescued, report that I saw a path made silver and gold which lead me to a beautiful wooden house full of hot chicks.

#2. Turn myself into a tiger and hang-out in someone’s durian orchard.

#3. Ngorat baiiik Siti Nurhaliza Tarudin.

#4. Finding two-headed frogs or something along that line, and immediately call for a press conference on how the finding change your life for the better. and no, you would not sell it for any amount in the werld. - Contribution by KA

#5. Claim that I am an heir of someone rich/ Claim that I have found new rare species of plants that can make people become rich or younger or look like Siti. - Contribution by Chics

#6. Saman mawi for stealing your songs AND trying to steal Siti from you. - Contribution by Desparil

#7. Confess to the press that Erra and Yusry separated because Erra begged ME to marry her instead. She didn't need RM33,333.33 for the hantaran. "RM3,333 sudah memadai, kerana saya sangat cintakan dia" - kata Erra. Then give Yusry's number to Anis. - Contribution by Anisism.

#8. Ambik balik SPM. Score 20A1. When you're 61 (31 pun cukup tua kot). Mesti keluar front page. Contribution by Yoga Instructor

(although, we need to twist the story a bit by saying, "Ya, Saka saya menolong saya menjawab soalan2 tersebut - 9)

Note to Oneself: Do remember to have a photo of myself showing that miraculous thingy/event/contraption/ubat/whatever. The template is: Diri tegak ala Negaraku whilst pointing towards the thing. And must be captioned: Inilah tempat di mana berlakunya peristiwa itu. And oh, try not to giggle. Must look very siwius. - Contribution by Leen

If you have any further ideas, do share. I’ll even be nice enought post it up here. Now, if you must excuse me, I have to go dig a hole and teran my tail out.

37 comments:

kepala_angin said...

or make sure you find two-headed frogs or something along that line, and immediately call for a press conference on how the finding change your life for the better. and no, you would not sell it for any amount in the werld. hehehe..

A Babe Of Very Little Brain said...

all i had to do was graduate from college and had my face on pg3 of the star.

i didn't even want to be in the papers.

or, just attend one or two or a few high-profile events and get your mug on tv (it helps when you look as good as me and the tv3/ntv7 cameramen simply adore the grounds that you walk on).

easy-peasy.

chics said...

hahahha.Or atleast you can like tiba-tiba claim you are an heir of someone rich or on your visit to some nature u can claimed u found new rare species of plants that can make people become rich or younger or look like siti.

Elina said...

Waaah, macam tahu je...you run a tabloid yourself ke?

la femme écrivain said...

hmm..in singapore,dawn yang made it to the papers for being the hottest blogger...

blogging+a pretty face...
sigh...

silver coyote said...

9- dont la talk abt teran yr tail out.. itu dah termasuk dlm category org Kerinchi tu.. bahaya.. my ancestors... hahahahha

Desparil said...

saman mawi for stealing your songs AND trying to steal siti from you..

Leen Ash Burn said...

But however you do it, don't forget to have a photo of yourself showing that miraculous thingy/event/contraption/ubat/whatever. The template is: Diri tegak ala Negaraku whilst pointing towards the thing. And must be captioned: Inilah tempat di mana berlakunya peristiwa itu. And oh, try not to giggle. Must look very siwius.

9 said...

KA/Chics/Des/Leen: wokay! wa sudah tampal lu orang punya sumbang-an. tima kaceh.

babe: STAR bukan tabloid la my dear eejit.

elina: if i did then my first publication would hv the front page headlines of, "Elina Mesra Dengan Jejaka Bernombor" or "Saya & 9 Hanya Kawan Sahaja, Tolong Jangan Gosipkan Kami"

Hehehe

9 said...

la femme: i hensem aper? tak caya, gi tanyer KA.

Silver coyote: Kerinchi, Sumatra atau Kerinchi Link?

A Babe Of Very Little Brain said...

9 darling, i consider star a tabloid because of its size. nst is also now a tabloid (once it was a broadsheet).

but content-wise, bukan tabloid-ish la.

silver coyote said...

Kerinchi Sumatera ler.. I know 1 guy whose dad from there too.

p/s: my 'castle' is being guraded by a tiger , u know?:P

madnessinvain said...

Baiikkk ngorat siti. Yay!

9 said...

babe: ok lah, babe pernah masuk tabloid called the Star. sheesh..

silver coyote: his dad boleh tukar jd rimau tak? boleh masuk tabloid tu..

MiV: she's was quoted as saying she was ready to settle down. siapa cepat dia dapatttt.

la femme écrivain said...

dawn yang put her piccies all over her blog.
if ur really hensem,do exactly that.

hehehehe...
hensem ke die KA?

anisism said...

and don't forget to confess to them that erra and yusry separated because erra begs YOU to marry her instead. she didn't need rm33,333.33 for the hantaran.

"rm3,333 sudah memadai, kerana saya sangat cintakan dia" - kata erra.

then give yusry my number. denkiu.

kepala_angin said...

le femme - i will let you know the kehenseman once he actually tegur me, and not some other girl in red shoes. hehehe..

kepala_angin said...

9 - can you give me more details on that 31st dec trip? email me at kepalaangin_ka@yahoo.com.

if cannot make it on the 31st, when is the next trip?

thank you.

Wong Ah Beng said...

la femme..
i oso hensem-cat got piccies all over my blog, can get on tabloid newspappies or not?

9 said...

la femme: i do hv a few pics of me plastered in my blog. nobody hear has ever met me so please use ur imagination. =)

KA: nanti i confirm.

Kucing Oren: YOU are the tabloid.

Muddy said...

this is a funny piece. but to tell you the truth, i did go all hooplah when i read about erra and yusry (i mean, wow, macam tiru brad and jennifer je...haiyoh)

la femme écrivain said...

bengbeng..dont go spamming ppl's blog..

9..
what?the elephant or the monkey?

adekmanis said...

Kamu rasa gadis2 yang bekerja di kilang tu suka tak diri mereka digelar minah kilang? :) dijadikan benchmark bagi sesuatu yang picisan?

Sports Freak said...

Happy New Year Dude...

Inn said...

lamanya tak update. happy new year 9!!!

9 said...

inn: ketandusan idea la inn, but there are a million MNS events in 2006 so more stories to tell, i hope next year.

SF: 'appy new year. party safe during the hols. =)

9 said...

chi: ya, saya rasa mereka suker sbb mereka-lah yg membeli tabloid2 tersebut.. =)

la femme: the moneky.. cehhh!

muddy: we needed something to rival hollywood.

philters said...

happy new year!

Zed said...

i like the entry, but so far since normal press is starting to sound like tabloid with pictures of guy claiming to throne and bigfoot stories, i can't tell which news is tabloid-worthy? heh heh.

Invader Voobee said...

Sensationalism sells (if there is such a word). We buy and read them papers so they win anyway.

Ah well

The Yoga Instructor said...

Contribution:
Ambik balik SPM.
Score 20A1.
When you're 61 (31 pun cukup tua kot).

Mesti keluar front page.

9 said...

philters: happy new year to you.

zed: tis a fine line indeed.

invader: alien dude, when u take over this earth, can u whack those tabloids with your death ray first?

YA: ur wish is my command.

Leen Ash Burn said...

Oy! Update already!

Invader Voobee said...

Fool the tabloids are my weapons of mass destruction. What better way of destroying the human race than to let you destroy yourselves.

The Yoga Instructor said...

If you still wanna get back to this, (macam mana boleh tak terfikir, kan dah ada orang buat) hold a press conference and announce that:

1. You're worth RM[insert number]billion.
2. You lent government money to build say, Penang bridge. Since that's taken, try KLIA or KLCC fr that matter.
3. Offer to donate part of your fortune to any NGO or non-profitable body, or to a poor girl like me.
4. and on top of that, you've got cancer, a prince and married to a v.v.v.v young girl.

Sayang, he discovered the formula first lah 9, bukan setakat made it to the tabloids, semua surat khabar utama pun!

9 said...

Ninie:
if i was that rich, i dh lama ngorat u. hihihi

excellent contribution though.. i'll post it up as a new blog just for you. ;)

The Yoga Instructor said...

You just made me feel like a billion bucks. $)