Friday, January 27, 2006

My Adventure of Not Having a Life

My only love sprung from my only hate!Too early seen unknown, and known too late!"
--From Romeo and Juliet (I, v, 140-141)


After all these years, why do you have to come back?

Is it not enough that you’ve taken away a chunk of any quality life that I had years before? Is it not enough that I have spent most of my hard-earned money to finance my cravings and thirst for you?

I thought it was over. I thought I was finished with you. Yet you came back into my life, tempting me, cajoling and inducing the same hunger and addictiveness which I thought I had overcome.

Damn you, Magic: The Gathering. I am yours once more.

Friday, January 20, 2006

My Adventure of (Not) Getting Tagged II

With regards to a lack of any current conservation issues in the country, a sudden decline of nocturnal excursions into the wild as well as a non-occurrence of situations or entities annoying the shite out of me, I find myself facing a writer’s block.

Thus, I have opted to tag my own self with this new meme which is currenly making its way around. It is a meme which, Sarclover, Angel Eyes and Desparil have participated (or tried to) and was duly criticised unmercilessly by yours truly.

So now comes the time when I put my money where my mouth is, rather than wait to have to remove the insipid shoe from it.

The rules are as below:

#1. Write an entry of between 100-200 words, with these words have to be included once, and only once:
I, me, blowjob, grapes, random, power, loneliness, water, robot, blue
#2. Out of the 10 words, you can only change 2 words.
#3. Your essay must make some kind of sense.

I grasped the hilt of my sabre tightly as my eyes scanned the battlefield. The outlying land was filled with ranks of orcs, ogres and trolls. They were amassing for one final push against my already thin defensive line.

Behind me stood my Knights. Once they were 5 companies strong. Now, only 1 company remain, decimated by the last skirmish.

We kept our shields up and at ready. Many a times an Orc would loosen an arrow at random. It is counted ill-luck to be struck down in such a way.

It seemed that our numbers, as compared to the might and power of the Black Tower was overwhelming. Yet, we will not allow ourselves to be slaughtered. For each of us knew we carried the fate of the goodly folks of Middle Earth in our hands. We were our land’s last defence. One last defiance against the forces of Mordor.

This burden we accepted and not even the loneliness of a long and hard war, or even the days without food or water, could put a dent on our morale.

All of a sudden a garrish sound of Black Horns sounded across the enemy the ranks, followed by the rumbling ground as the Dark Army charged.

I lifted my sabre high. My Knights responded by forming a defensive file, sword and shield ready in a fighting stance, awaiting their incoming doom.

Immediately, the blue sky were filled with Elven arrows, as our allies from Lothlorien unleashed a volley of fletched death. Hundreds of the enemy fell, but still they came.

I waited till the last minute before shouting the order for a counter-charge. With a cry of ‘Elendil!', I brought my weapon against the shield of the closest Orc.

All around me, the battle was met. The ringing clash of steel echoed aloud as the Knights of Gondor met the hordes of the Black City, in this last great battle of our time.’

Note #1. I changed ‘Blowjob’ to ‘Skirmish’ and ‘Robot’ to ‘Morale’.

Note #2. You lot can, at your own convenience, bow down at my feet whilst exclaiming, “We are not worthy!” in a repetitive motion in honor of my creative literary brilliance.

Note#3. Words in bold complies with the 100-200 words rule. It can stand on its own but severely lacks the punch needed. That’s where the un-bolded words come in.
Me so clever. :p

Note#4. Do you have any idea how hard it is to refrain from using the word ‘I’ when one is writing in the style of a first-person account? Sheesh!

I'm not going to tag anyone with it so go now & have a nice weekend, peasent!

Friday, January 13, 2006

My Adventure of Trying to Get Myself on a Tabloid II

Pursuant to recent events in the media (tabloids included) and a nice little contribution by a certain blogger, here’s another way of getting oneself in the limelight.

Step #1.
Claim to the whole bloody world that you're worth a few (pick a number between 1 - 100) billion bloody Ringgit Malaysia.

Step #2.
Make further claims that you lent the government money to build say, Central Market/Pudu/North-South Highway (no Penang Bridge as it is already taken!).

Step #3.
Then offer to donate part of your fortune to any NGO or non-profitable organization, preferably to WWF or MNS. Oh heck, throw a few million bucks at this poor girl if you’d like.

Note: Claiming that you’ve got a cancer of some sorts, or some distant royalty or married to the daughter of the particular NGO you intend to donate to, is purely optional. Having a tattoo or permed hair is optional too.

Front page material my friends!

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

My Adventure of Reliving an Adolescent Pastime

On my drive to work this morning, and while channel surfing like I always do in order to ease the boredom of getting stuck on the Sungai Besi bottleneck, I happened to chance upon FLY FM’s call-in competition. It seemed that the competition involved contestants to battle it out using the Rock-Paper-Bird technique.

The winner will be given the chance to get their filthy hands on a sweet new Nokia phone or something to that effect. Cellular incentives aside, it was a wonder how the said station could take a common adolescent pastime and turn it into a radio competition.

Anyways, this particular bloke on the show was a wee bit slow (in reflexes or in the head, or both) and kept shouting out his choice of element, ages after his opponent’s

For those of you who have been on a different planet all this while, the mechanism of the said game is simple; simple and common enough to the extent of not having me explain the whole bloody thing to you.

Standard practice provides 3 elements/weapons for each player (two players’ only la, more than two, the Lat Ta Li Lat technique shall be utilized);

#1. Rock (or Stone): a clenched fist.

#2. Paper (or Cloth or Water): all fingers extended, palm facing downwards, upwards, or sideways (thumb pointing to the sky).

#3. Bird: a half closed fist, oval in shape ( or Scissors: forefinger and middle finger extended and separated into a "V" shape (not too be confused with the sideways, upwards reversal and a constant jutting motion with the shout of ‘Up Yours, Chelski/Manc/Gooner!’)

Owing to the wonder of modern day technology, a click of the mouse reveal that people in other countries too play this particular game, although with different variations of the ‘elements’. Some have slight variations, others… I’m too afraid to ask.

In Sweden the game is called sten, sax, påse (rock, scissors, bag). The gestures are the same - the flat hand is considered a bag, you can put the rock in.

Burma has the soldier, sergeant, tiger version. Tiger eats sergeant; Sergeant outranks the soldier, while the latter shoots the tiger. This technique was once demonstrated by a Burmese friend with hilarious consequences.

Japan has the village head, tiger, mother of village head. How in the hell do you sign, ‘Village Head’s Mother’?

Even in an ep of the That 70’s Show, Hyde and Fez duked it out using : Foot, Cockroach, Nuclear Bomb. Foot beats cockroach by smashing it, nuclear bomb beats foot by blowing it up, cockroach beats nuclear bomb by surviving the blast. Go figure.

Now wouldn’t be nice now to be able to use in our working adult lives.

“Ok Encik, Kita lawan Oh Som, kalau saya menang, loan saya approve.”

“Ait, takde hal”

"Pakai mesingan mana aci, En. Hurnain"

Ah, bliss.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

My Adventure of Disclaiming a Frog


I would like to make known that I, Hurnain Hamid, Herpetofauna Coordinator of MNS Selangor have neither affiliation with, nor any in-depth knowledge what-so-bloody-ever on the Crazy Frog.

In addition, It is my opinion that the ‘call’ of this particular species to be extremely annoying, disruptive and a pain-in-the-nether-regions. I would not be surprised that people, who have been exposed to such a call in maplehs, cinemas, pasar malams etc, were inclined to shoot themselves in the head.

Further to my opinion, the individuals who had either created or marketed as well as downloaded it as a ring tone of this aversion of nature, should be rounded up, made to stand before a firing squad, and be subsequently shot.

I would like to further digress, (to those who had inquired with my good-self previously) that it is my professional opinion that the above-said creature has yet to be (and will not be in the future) classified as one of the species from the Anuran Order.

Further inquiries of what species the Crazy Frog is during any of my future MNS Frogging trips, will be met with a swift back-handed slap.

Please be advised.